The question “When were you the happiest?” comes from my friend Tom over at http://bubalu.livejournal.com/

There’s a small star shaped spot somewhere in my heart that’s filled with memories of Tom. To this day I can’t go to San Diego without thinking of him, just a bit.

I’ve been mulling over this question since yesterday, and I’m still not any closer to an answer than I was when I first read it. I don’t know that I’m able to look back over the past 34 years and come up with a time that I was “the happiest.”

I could say my wedding day. Pick one, I’ve had two. I could say the day my child came into this world. Pick one, I’ve had three.

Maybe it was the day I graduated high school.

Or how about the day I got my drivers license?

It could have been Christmas morning when I was a child. Or maybe it’s Christmas morning with my own children.

Could it be the day my divorce (after being separated for over 4 years) was finalized and I was finally able to set into motion a plan to spend my life with the man I truly wanted to (and still do by the way) spend the rest of my days with?

Or how about the time I went to San Francisco completely alone and spent a few days with some of the most wonderful people in the city?

It might have been the day that I stopped crying after my grandfather’s passing and embraced the fact that he was finally at peace. He was no longer suffering and in pain.

I just don’t think I can boil it all down and have a single answer to such a complex question. I really don’t know.

I’ve had many, many times in my life when I’ve been completely happy. I guess I should consider myself blessed that I can’t come up with just one time I was the happiest.

However, I’d have to say that the day I married Jason and the 3 days my children came into this world rank up there pretty high.

So Tom, thanks for the brain melting inspiring question.

Lately I’ve been thinking about this space I call my “blog.” But it’s not really much of a blog at this point. Wordpress tells me I have 246 posts, but I know there’s not a lot of substance here. It’s mostly a catchall for my Utterli posts.

So then, what do I actually want to do with this space? I guess I want to start blogging for real. The difficult part for me is thinking of things to talk about regularly. I have a livejournal account that I’ve kind of abandoned. There were too many “So today I did x,y,z” posts and to be honest, those are pretty boring. Does anyone really care that I did the dishes, did the laundry and went to the grocery store today? No, I didn’t think so. In fact, I’d drop that blog from my reader in a hot second if any of the blogs I subscribe to posted that stuff.

So if you’re reading this, I’d like to ask for your help. I need a jumping off point. Is there anything you’d like to know about me? Should I give a Jen history so you know where I’m coming from? I can’t even come up with any other questions to ask myself. That means until I get the hang of this, I need your input.

I know there are a few of you reading this and I’m counting on you to help me kick start this thing.

To my mom – A woman who is in the midst of a fight for her life, and whom I love very much but don’t tell her often enough

To my Grandma – One of the most wonderful women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and, will miss terribly when the day comes that she’s no longer with us

To my Mother-in-law – A wonderful mom and grandma that we don’t get to see often enough

To my (ex) MIL – Who has been there for all of us, even when she could have walked away

To Kelly – A woman I’m proud to call one of my best girlfriends, who is going through a major life change, but I have no doubt will come out stronger than ever

To Tiffany – A women who doesn’t have it very easy most of the time, and yet is raising two very wonderful little ladies

To Cj – A women I admire very much

To Stephanie – A woman who puts up with a lot of crap and keeps on tickin’, always thinking about others

To the Ex-husband’s current wife – A woman who is my friend and also treats my children with love, care and respect, and really takes care of them as if they were her own children

To all of you moms out there.

Our job as mommy is often a thankless one. It’s tough work no matter if you go to a job every day, or your job is to stay home and raise little humans. It isn’t always easy being a mom, but it’s rewarding. So from one mom to another, thank you for all of your hard work.

Happy Mother’s Day

With today being a holiday, you can rest assured that the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon have been on pretty much non-stop the entire day.

I finally reached my breaking point and headed upstairs to get away from children’s programming. Once upstairs, I decided a little cleaning was in order so I did the usual; picked up dirty clothes, bagged up the trash, put away a few random items from various horizontal surfaces… you know, the usual.

And then as I sat watching last week’s episode of Las Vegas, I looked down to the last cube on my bookshelf and noticed I have an excessive amount of those grocery store check out cook books. I started to pull them out and was greeted with one of my old journals. Interesting. I kept looking and found two journals that I filled before that one. They started sometime in 1992 and ended somewhere around 2001. I began to read through them and couldn’t even recognize the person I used to be.

By the time I began journaling in 1993, I had met my “future ex husband.” I read back to the time we began getting serious, took vacations with his family, I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and then the second, and finally the collapse of our three year marriage.

I  read though pages of pain and then hope, and saw myself pull it together and get back out there.

I read through pages of stupid choices I made in an attempt to get on with my life.

I read about Jason and I becoming a couple and those entries, no matter how sporadic they were at that point,  saw myself changing and becoming truly happy.

Looking back, there were so many entries that I don’t even remember writing or even feeling the way I did at the time. I saw page after page of my handwriting that should something happen to me now, I would never want anyone to read. I’m embarrassed by some of my actions and thoughts.

Today, I erased a part of my past, the written part. I ripped page after page out of those books and out them into one pile. There it was, year after year of my innermost thoughts, thoughts that probably should have stayed in my head, now in a heap on the floor.

I fired up the paper shredder and fed my old demons to the teeth. I don’t like the person who wrote those pages. I wouldn’t change my past because it made me who I am today, but I can say I honestly don’t miss her. I’d never want my family to read those journals. Now, I don’t have to worry about that. Honestly, I was seriously uncomfortable reading my own entries, I can’t imagine how they would feel.

So today I destroyed nine or so years of my written history and I’m positive that was the right thing to do. Those journals felt like a dark cloud or a heavy weight on my shoulders. With them gone, I feel lighter already.

Will I regret it some day? Possibly, but I seriously doubt it.